英語幽默笑話15則
你身邊真正的朋友，跟你美丑沒多大關系，跟你有錢沒錢沒多大關系，下面小編給大家收集整理了英語幽默笑話，一起來學學幽默，收集好人緣吧!
1、我懂他的話
While eating in a restaurant, I reprimanded my four-year-old son for speaking with his mouth full . "Mump umn Kmpfhm," was all I heard.
"Drew," I scolded, "no one can understand a word you're saying.
"He says he wants some ketchup," my husband said calmly . A woman sitting nearby leaned over and asked, "How in the world did you understand him?"
"I'm a dentist," my husband explained.
在飯店吃飯的時候，我申斥我4歲的兒子，因為他滿嘴食物在說話�！班浮⒛亍�，我聽到的就是這些。 “祖，”我責備道，“沒人明白你在說什么�！� “他說他要一些番茄醬，”我丈夫平靜地說。坐在旁邊的一位婦女靠過來問道：“你究竟如何明白他的話的呢?” “我是牙醫�！蔽艺煞蚪忉尩�。
2、我 可 以 回 家 了
One day after school the teacher said to his students，“Tomorrow morning，if any one of you can answer my first question.I'll permit him or her to go home earlier.” The next day，when the teacher came into the classroom，he found the blackboard daubed.He was very angry and asked，“Who did it?Please stand up! ” “It' s me，”said Bob，“Now，I can go home，Good-bye，Sir! ”
一天，放學以后，老師對他的學生們說：“明天上午，如果你們當中的任何一個同學能回答我的第一個問題，我就準許他或她最先回家�！钡诙�，老師走進教室時發現黑板已被亂涂，他非常生氣地問：“誰涂的? 請站起來�！滨U勃說：“先生，是我，現在我可以回家了，再見�！�
3、怎么把口香糖取出來呢
Distributing chewing gum to the passengers, the stewardess explained it was to keep their ears from popping. When the plane landed, one of the passengers rushed up to her and said, I'm meeting my wife right away. How do I get the gum out from my ears?
怎么把口香糖取出來呢當空中小姐給乘客們發口香糖的時候，她解釋說口香糖有助于他們防止耳鳴。飛機著陸后，一位乘客跑到這位空中小姐面前，說道：“ 我馬上就要見到我妻子了。我怎么才能把口香糖從耳朵里面取出來呢?”
4、誰是世界上第一個男人
A teacher said to her class:”Who was the first man?”“George Washington,”a little boy shouted promptly.
“How do you make out that George Washington was the first man?”asked the teacher，smiling indulgently.“Because,” said the little boy, “he was first in war, first in peace, and first in the hearts of his countrymen.”But at this point a larger boy held up his hand.“Well,”said the teacher to him, “who do you think was the first man?”
“I don’t know what his name was,”said the larger boy, “but I know it wasn’t George Washington, ma’am, because the history book says George Washington married a widow, so, of course, there must have been a man ahead of him.”
一個老師問她的學生：“誰是世界上第一個男人”一個小男孩立刻大聲說：“喬治.華盛頓�！崩蠋煄е鴮櫮绲男θ輪栠@個男生：“你如何證明喬治華盛頓是世界上第一個男人呢�！边@個男孩子說：“因為，他是第一個挑起戰爭，第一個主張和平，并且是第一個深得民心的人�！边@時，有一個年齡稍大的男孩子舉起手來，老師問他，“你認為誰是世界第一個男人?”男孩回答說：“我不知道他的名字，但是我肯定他不是喬治華盛頓，因為歷史書上說，喬治華盛頓和一個寡婦結婚了，所以在他之前，當然還有一個男的啦。
5、沒想到那么貴
A shoplifter was caught red-handed trying to steal a watch from a jewelry store. "Listen," said the shoplifter, "I know you don't want any trouble either. What do you say I just buy the watch, and we forget about this?" The manager agreed and wrote up the sales slip. The crook looked at the slip and said, "This is a little more than I intended to spend."
一個小偷在一家珠寶店企圖偷走一只手表的時候被當場擒獲�！奥犞�，”小偷說，“我知道你們也不想惹麻煩。我把這只表買下，然后我們就當什么也沒發生，你看怎樣?”經理表示同意，然后列了一張售貨單。小偷看著單子說道：“這比我最初的預算稍稍高了一點，你們還有沒有便宜一點兒東西�！�
6、瞎子的判斷
Once there was a blind. One day when he was walking, he
stepped the head of the dog who was sleeping. The dog barked for a while. The blind man went on for miles, this time he stepped the other dog's tail, so this dog barked. The blind man had thought that it was the first dog, so he said in surprise, It's a wonder that the dog is so long.
從前有個瞎子。一天，他正在行路時踩著了一只正在睡覺的狗的腦袋，狗汪汪汪地叫了一陣。這人又往前走，這回踩著的是另外一只狗的尾巴，狗又汪汪汪地叫起來。瞎子以為還是那條狗，驚詫地說：奇怪，這只狗可真夠長的。
7、我沒有看到另外一塊
Mother: I left two pieces of cake in the cupboard this morning, Johnny, and now there is only one piece left. Can you explain that?Johnny: Well, I suppose it was so dark that I didn’t notice the other.
媽媽：約翰尼，我今天早上在櫥子里放了兩塊點心�，F在就剩下一塊了。你能解釋一下嗎?約翰尼：嗯，我想是因為里面太黑我沒看到另外那塊。
8、好客
The hostess apologized to her unexpected guest for serving an apple-pie without any cheese. The little boy of the family left the room quietly for a moment and returned with a piece of cheese which he laid on the guest's plate. The visitor smiled, put the cheese into his mouth and then said: "You must have better eyes than your mother, sonny. Where did you find the cheese?" "In the rat-trap, sir," replied the boy.
由于客人在吃蘋果餡餅時，家里沒有奶酪了，于是女主人向大家表示歉意。這家的小男孩悄悄地離開了屋子。過了一會兒，他拿著一片奶酪回到房間，把奶酪放在客人的盤子里。 客人微笑著把奶酪放進嘴里說：“孩子，你的眼睛就是比你媽媽的好。你在哪里找到的奶酪?” “在捕鼠夾上，先生�！蹦切∧泻⒄f。
9、新老師
eorge comes from school on the first of September."George, how did you like your new teacher?" asked his mother."I didn't like her, Mother, because she said that three and three were six and then she said that two and four were six too....."
9月1日， 喬治放學回到家里�！皢讨危阆矚g你們的新老師嗎?” 媽媽問。“媽媽，我不喜歡，因為她說3加3得6, 可后來又說2加4也得6�！�
10、鉛筆
he Astronaut Pen During the heat of the space race in the 1960s, the U.S. National Aeronautics and Space Administration decided it needed a ball point pen to write in the zero gravity confines of its space capsules. After considerable research and development, the Astronaut Pen was developed at a cost of approximately $$1 million U.S. The pen worked and also enjoyed some modest success as a novelty item back here on earth. The Soviet Union, faced with the same problem, used a pencil.
在二十世紀六十年代，美國和蘇聯正處于太空競賽的白熱化階段，美國航空航天局決定研制一種圓珠筆，以便在太空艙重力為零的環境下仍然可以書寫。經過大量的研發工作，花費了大約一百萬美元的成本，太空筆終于研制出來了。那支筆果然可以在太空書寫，在回到地球后，作為一樣新奇的小玩意兒也確實吸引了一些目光。而面臨著同樣難題的蘇聯，則選擇了一支鉛筆。
11、心不在焉的老師
An Absent Minded ProfessorA notoriously absentminded professor was one day observed walking along the street with one foot continually in the gutter，the other on the pavement. A pupil meeting him said： “Good evening，professor.How are you? “Well，” answered the professor，“I thought I was all right when I left home，but now I don't know what's the matter with me.I've been limping for the last half hour.”
有一天，人們看見一個有名的心不在焉的老師在路上走，他的一只腳一直踏在街溝里，另一只腳踩在人行道上。 一個碰見他的`學生說： “晚安，老師。您怎么了?” “啊，”這位老師回答說：“我想我離開家的時候還挺好的，可是現在我不知道出了什么毛病。我已經一瘸一拐走了半個小時了�！�
12、誰的兒子最偉大
The mothers of four priests got together and were discussing their sons. "My son is a monsignor," said the first proud woman. "When he enters a room, people say, 'Hello, Monsignor'." The second mother went on, "My son is a bishop. When he enters a room, people say, 'Hello, Your Excellency'."
"My son is a cardinal." continued the next one. "When he enters a room, people say, 'Hello, Your Eminence'.
" The fourth mother thought for a moment. "My son is six-foot-ten and weighs 300 pounds, " she said. "When he enters a room, people say, 'Oh, my God'!"
四位牧師的母親聚到一起談論她們的兒子�！拔业膬鹤邮莻�教士，”第一位母親自豪地說道，“他進入房間，人們都說，‘您好，閣下’�！�
第二為母親說：“我的兒子是位主教。他進入房間，人們都稱，‘您好，大人’�！� “我的兒子是位紅衣主教，”第三位母親接著說，“他走進房間，人們都說，‘您好，尊敬的主教大人’。”
第四位母親略思片刻�！拔业膬鹤由砀吡⒊呤�，體重三百磅，”她說，“他要是走入房間，人們都說‘哦，我的上帝’!
13、國王的兄弟
A poor man， presenting himself before the King of Spain，asked his charity， telling him that he was his brother． Theking desiring to know how he claimed kindred to him， the poorfellow replied，“We are all descended from one common fatherand mother—viz．， Adam and Eve．” Upon which the kinggave him a little copper piece of money． The poor man beganto bemoan himself， saying，“Is it possible that your Majestyshould give no more than this to your brother？”“Away，away，”replies the king；“if all the brothers you have in theworld give you as much as I have done， you'll be richer than Iam．”
一個窮漢去見西班牙國王，說自己是他的兄弟，求他施恩周濟。國王想知道他何以攀認親戚，窮漢回答說，“我們有共同的祖先——亞 當和夏娃�！甭犃诉@話，國王就給了他一個小銅子兒。于是窮人開始叫屈，說：“難道您國王陛下就給兄弟這么一點點錢嗎？”“走開，快走，”國王回答，“如果世界上你所有的兄弟們都像我這樣給你一個銅板，你就比我還有錢了�！�
14、和上帝對話
He says: "God,what is a million dollars to you?"and God says: "A penny,then the man says: "God,what is a million years to you?”and God says: ¨a second", then the man says: “God,can I have a penny ?"and God says:"In a second."
他問：“主啊，一百萬美元對你意味著多少?”上帝回答：¨一便士�！� 男子又問：“那一百萬年呢，?”上帝說：“一秒鐘�！弊詈竽凶诱埱蟮溃骸鄙系�，我能得到一便士嗎?“上帝回答：“過一秒鐘�！�
15、成年人的抉擇
The year before my son turned 18, he constantly pleaded to be allowed to a have tattoo, but I refused to sign permission for one.He argued that soon he would be a man and he should be able to make adult decisions. Sure enough,a few days after his 18th birthday,he come home with a tattoo. Although l was not happy about this, I was curious to see what symbol of masculin', he had chosen. There, on his shoulder,was a two inch image of Mickey Mouse.
我兒子十八歲前的那一年，常常向我提出準許他文身。但我拒絕允許他這么做。他爭辯說他不久就要成為男子漢了，并說他應該能夠做出成年人的抉擇了。果然，十八歲生日的幾天后，他文了身，回到家里。盡管我對此感到不高興，但出于好奇，我想看看他選擇了什么雄性象征物。原來他在肩上文了一個兩英寸長的米老鼠像。
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