爆笑英語笑話笑破你的肚子

　　一個律師打開他的寶馬車門，突然一輛汽車駛過來把門撞飛了，警察趕到現場，律師正痛苦地抱怨毀壞了他心愛的寶馬。

　　“警察同志，看看他們把我的車弄的!!!”律師哀怨地說。

　　“你們律師真是物質至上，我很不舒服!”警察反駁說，“你這么關心你可惡的寶馬，你可能沒有注意到你的左胳膊也沒了。”

　　律師終于注意到了血淋淋的左肩膀，“天哪，我的勞力士手表在哪兒?”

　　A lawyer opened the door of his BMW, when suddenly a car came along and hit the door, ripping it off completely. When the police arrived at the scene, the lawyer was complaining bitterly about the damage to his precious BMW.

　　"Officer, look what they've done to my Beeeemer!!!", he whined.

　　"You lawyers are so materialistic, you make me sick!!!" retorted the officer, "You're so worried about your stupid BMW, that you didn't even notice that your left arm was ripped off!!!"

　　2 《狗住旅店》

　　一個人給一家他計劃在假期里停留的小旅館寫了封信，“我非常希望帶著我的狗，它很干凈很有教養，你能允許它和我睡一間屋子嗎?”

　　旅館主人立即回了封信，“我經營旅館很多年了，狗從沒偷過毛巾，床單， 餐具，或者墻上的畫。我也從沒有在半夜因為狗喝醉胡鬧而趕走它，狗也從不不付帳就跑掉。實際上我們非常歡迎您的狗來我們旅館，如果它為您擔保，也歡迎您來。

　　A man wrote a letter to a small hotel he planned to visit on his vacation: "I would very much like to bring my dog with me. He is well-groomed and very well behaved. Would you be willing to permit me to keep him in my room with me at night?"

　　An immediate reply came from the hotel owner, who said, "I've been operating this hotel for many years. In all that time, I've never had a dog steal towels, bedclothes, silverware or pictures off the walls. I've never had to evict a dog in the middle of the night for being drunk and disorderly. And I've never had a dog run out on a hotel bill. Yes, indeed, your dog is welcome at my hotel. And, if your dog will vouch for you, you're welcome to stay here, too."

　　3 Who Is the Laziest?

　　Father:Well,Tom,I asked to your teacher today,and now I want to ask you a question.Who is the laziest person in your class?

　　Tom:I don't know,father.

　　Father:Oh,yes,you do!Think!When other boys and girls are doing and writing,who sits in the class and only watches how other people work?

　　Tom:Our teacher,father.

　　中文：

　　父親：哎,湯姆,今天我跟你們老師談過,現在我想問你個問題.你們班上誰最懶?

　　湯姆：我不知道,爸爸.

　　父親：啊,不對,你知道!想想看,當別的孩子們都在做作業、寫字時,誰在課堂上坐著,只是看人家做功課?

　　湯姆：我們老師,爸爸.

　　4 Old Farmer Johnson was dying.The family was standing around his bed.With a low voice he said to his wife:"When I'm dead I want you to marry farmer Jones."

　　Wife:"No,I can't marry anyone after you."

　　Johnson:"But I want you to."

　　Wife:"But why?"

　　Johnson:"Jones once cheated me in a horse deal!"

　　譯文：

　　老農約翰遜就要死了.他的家人都站在床邊.他聲音低沉地對妻子說：“我死后,我想你嫁給農夫瓊斯.”

　　妻子說：“不,在你死后,我不能嫁給任何人.”

　　約翰遜：“但我希望你這么做.”

　　妻子：“為什么?”

　　約翰遜：“因為瓊斯曾在一筆販馬的交易中欺騙了我.”

　　5 I'm Trying to Stop It

　　"Boy,why have you got cotton-wool in your ear?Is it infected?"

　　"No,sir,but you said yesterday that everything you told me went in one ear and out the other ,so I am trying to stop it."

　　“孩子,你為什么用棉花塞住耳朵?它感染了嗎?”

　　“沒有,老師.可是你昨天說你告訴我的知識都是一個耳朵里進,一個耳朵里出,所以我要把它堵在里面.”

　　6 Teacher：We all know that beat causes an object to expand an cold cauese it to contract.Now,can anyone give me a good example?

　　John：Well ,in the summer the days are long,and in the winter the days are short.

　　老師：我們都知道熱脹冷縮的道理.現在,誰給我舉個例子?

　　約翰：嗯,在夏天天都長,在冬天天都短.

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