爆笑的英語笑話故事
1、Once there was a blind. One day when he was walking, he stepped the head of the dog who was sleeping. The dog barked for a while. The blind man went on for miles, this time he stepped the other dog's tail, so this dog barked. The blind man had thought that it was the first dog, so he said in surprise, It's a wonder that the dog is so long.
從前有個瞎子。一天，他正在行路時踩著了一只正在睡覺的狗的腦袋，狗汪汪汪地叫了一陣。這人又往前走，這回踩著的是另外一只狗的尾巴，狗又汪汪汪地叫起來。瞎子以為還是那條狗，驚詫地說：奇怪，這只狗可真夠長的。
2、A person with six children or a person with $6 million, who is better satisfied? Why?
一個有六個孩子的人和一個有600萬美元的人，誰更滿足?為什么?
The person with six children of course. Because the one with $6 million wants more.
當然是有六個孩子的那個，因為有600萬美元那個還想要得更多。
3、Talking clock
會說話的鐘
While proudly showing off his new apartment to friends, a college student led the way into the den(私室，賊窩) . What is the big brass gong(鑼) and hammer for? one of his friends asked. That is the talking clock, the man replied. How's it work?
一個學生帶他朋友們參觀他的新公寓，甚是得意。那個大銅鑼和錘子是干什么用的?他的一個朋友問他。那玩意兒厲害了，那是一個會說話的鐘，學生回答。這鐘怎么工作的，他的朋友問。
Watch, the man said and proceeded to give the gong an ear shattering pound with the hammer. Suddenly, someone screamed from the other side of the wall, Knock it off, you idiot! It's two o'clock in the morning!
看著，別眨眼了，那學生走上前一把操起銅鑼和錘子，拼命地敲了一下，聲音震耳欲聾。突然，他們聽到隔壁墻那邊有人狂叫，別敲了，你這白癡!現在是凌晨兩點鐘了!
4、Gardening Glove
園藝手套
For months I hinted that I needed a new wedding ring, since I had developed an allergy to gold. On my birthday, while I was gardening, my husband asked me for gift suggestions. I held my hands up and said, "Well, you'll notice that my hands are bare."
幾個月以來，我一直在向丈夫暗示我需要一枚新的結婚戒指，因為我對黃金有點過敏。生日那天，我正在干園藝活時，丈夫問我想要什么禮物，我舉起雙手說：“嗯，你肯定看到了，我的兩手都是光光的。”
Later that evening I opened my present with enthusiasm. "Happy birthday," he said, as I unwrapped(打開) a new pair of gardening glove.
那天晚上，我滿懷熱情地拆開了丈夫送的禮物，“生日快樂!”他說。我打開一看：里面包著一雙園藝手套。
5、My father, who was 14 years old than my mother, had been working on his will. At a family dinner he told us that he had provided well for mother, but the family home would go to us five children if she remarried.
我爸比我媽大14歲，最近一直在寫遺囑。一次家宴上，他告訴我們說他為母親以后的生活作好了安排，但如果她改嫁的話，家里的房子將歸我們五個孩子所有。
"I don't want another S.O.B. toasting his shins(小腿骨) around my fireplace," he explained.
“我可不愿意另外哪個狗娘養的在我的.火爐旁烤他的狗腿，”他解釋道。
With a sly grin, Mother cracked, "What makes you think I'd marry another S.O.B?"
媽媽狡猾地咧了咧嘴，譏誚道：“你怎么認為我會再嫁給一個狗娘養的?”
6、Three competing store owners rented adjoining(毗連的) shops in a mall. Observers waited for mayhem(故意的傷害罪，蓄意的破壞) to ensue.
三個互相爭生意的商店老板在一條商業街上租用了毗鄰的店鋪，旁觀者等著瞧好戲。
The retailer on the right put up huge signs saying, Gigantic Sale! and Super Bargains!
右邊的零售商掛起了巨大的招牌，上書：大減價!特便宜!
The store on the left raised bigger signs proclaiming, Prices Slashed! and Fantastic Discounts!
左邊的商店掛出了更大的招牌，聲稱：大砍價!大折扣!
The owner in the middle then prepared a large sign that simply stated, ENTRANCE.
中間的商人隨后準備了一個大招牌，上面只簡單地寫著：入口處。
7、A man was sitting in a bar with tears streaming down his face. A friend walked in and asked why he was so unhappy. The weeping one said, The doctor has just told me I'll have to take these tablets for the rest of my life.
一個男人坐在酒吧里痛哭流淚。一個朋友走進來問他為何如此傷心。那人哭著說：剛才醫生告訴我，在我的余生里都要吃這些藥片。
Cheerfully, his friend pointed out that many people have to take tablets every day of their life. Sure, came the reply, but he only gave me ten.
他的朋友很輕松地指出，許多人一輩子每天都要吃藥。當然，男人回答說：但是他只給了我十片。
8、Creative
創造性
Applying for my first job, I realized I had to be creative in listing my few qualifications(資格證書，職位要求) . Asked about additional schooling and training, I answered truthfully that I had spent three years in computer programming classes. I got the job.
第一次求職時，我意識到在列舉我所具備的為數不多的條件時，得有點創造性。當問及我是否受過其它的培訓時，我老實地回答說我花了三年時間學計算機程序設計課。我得到了那份工作。
I had neglected to mention that I took the same course for three years before I passed.
我沒有提到那門功課我重復學了三年才考及格。
9、There was a small boy who had been given a little terrier for his very own, on which he bestowed the name of Paddy, and loved mightily. He was very saddened by the fact that he could not take his pet away with him on his holidays, which he was spending with some relatives in the country.
從前有一個小男孩，他得到了一條完全屬于他自己的小獵狗。他給小狗取名帕蒂，對它寵愛萬分。他要到鄉下一些親戚家去度假，可又不能帶上他的寵物，為此他很傷心。
Whilst he was away Paddy's young life was cut short by an unfortunate adventure with a motor. The boy's mother feared he would take the news very hardly on his return,she broke it very gently,therefore, and was rather surprised that the little lad did not seem much perturbed. Later, however, she heard him weeping lustily in his bed. He was inarticulate with grief, but his brother explained that he was cryingabout Paddy.
他不在家的時候，帕蒂在一次不幸的車禍中失去了年輕的生命。男孩的母親怕他回家時聽到這個消息太難過;因此她相當小心地把這個消息透露給他，而頗為令人驚訝的是小伙子看起來并不怎么在意。可是，后來她聽見他在床上哭得死去活來。他傷心得說不出話來，但是他的哥哥解釋說他在為帕蒂痛哭。
But, said the mother, I told him about it this morning, and he did not seem to mind!
可是，這位母親說：我今天早晨告訴他了，他好像根本不在乎啊!
The brother explained, yes, but he thought you said Daddy.
他哥哥解釋說：是的，可他以為你說的是爸爸。
10、What's your name?
你叫什么名字?
A very strict officer was talking to some new soldiers whom he had to train. He had never seen them before,so he began:My name is Stone, and I'm even harder than stone,so do what I tell you or there'll be trouble. Don't try any tricks with me, and then we'll get on well together
有一位很嚴厲的軍官在對一群交由他訓練的新兵訓話。他以前從沒見過這群新兵，于是他開始自我介紹：我的名字叫Stone(石頭)，事實上，我甚至比石頭更強硬。這就是我為什么要告訴你們我名字的原因。不要試圖對我玩什么花招，這樣我們就能很好相處了。
Then he went to each soldier one after another and asked him his name. Speak loudly so that everyone can hear you clearly, he said, and don't forget to call me 'sir'.
接著他開始走到每個士兵前面問他們的名字。說大聲點，讓每個人都能聽清楚。另外，不要忘記稱呼我為長官。他說。
Each soldier told him his name, unitl he came to the last one. This man remained silent, and so Captain Stone shouted at him, When I ask you a question, answer it! I'll ask you again: What's you name, soldier?
每個士兵都對他說了自已的名字。他走到最后一位士兵面前時，這個士兵保持著沉默。于是Stone隊長對他喊叫，當我問你問題的時候，要回答!我再問一遍，你的名字，士兵?
The soldier was very unhappy, but at last he replied. My name is Stonebreaker, sir. He said nervously.
那個新兵很不高興，但最后他回答了。我的名字是Stonebreaker(碎石機)，長官。他緊張的說
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