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雙語幽默英語笑話匯集
1、話說某年某月的某一天，叁個神箭手約在一起比箭，目標是十尺外仆人頭上的蘋果。
A神箭手挽弓長射，咻一聲，利箭正中蘋果。A高傲的昂起下巴，比出一根大拇指道：「I AM 后羿!」
B神箭手照本宣科，射中蘋果，這回他自大的喊了一句：「I AM 丘比特!」
輪到C了，他也挽弓，利箭射出!結果正中仆人的心臟。就聽他結結巴巴好久才吐出一句：「I...I...I...AM...SORRY...」
Note by Jodie: 此處用西班牙口音說Sorry肥更有趣
2、昨天來了個外國人，進到辦公室，前臺小姐左看右看，大家都在打游戲，只有自己比較清閑，就面帶微笑的："Hello?"
外國人："Hi."
前臺小姐："You have what thing?"(你有什么事?)
外國人："Can you speak English?"(你會講英語嗎)
前臺小姐："If I not speak English， I am speaking what?"(如果我不會說，那我現在說的什么)
外國人："Can anybody else speak English? "(還有誰能講英語嗎)
前臺小姐："You yourself look. all people are playing，no people have time， you can wait， you wait， you not wait， you go."(你自己看看，所有人都在玩呢，都沒空，你愿意等就等，不愿意就走你)
外國人：I want to ask about online shopping.(我想咨詢下關于網上購物的事情)
前臺小姐:Online shopping?is Use Internet shopping，You de understand?(網上購物?就是用上網購物，你的明白?)
外國人：。。。。。
前臺小姐：you can baidu“top leader”!!你可以去百度“尚品領袖”
外國人：。。。。"Good heavens. anybody here can speak English?"(我的上帝，這兒有誰會說英語嗎?) I want to speak to your head."(我想和你的領導談談)
前臺小姐："Head not zai.You tomorrow come."(頭兒不在，你明天再來吧)
3、Bad news and good news 好消息和壞消息
An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in his paintings currently on display.
一名藝術家問畫廊老板，最近有沒有人對他展出的畫感興趣。
"I've got good news and bad news," owner replied.
“這有好消息和壞消息，”老板回答。
"The good news is that a gentleman inquired about your work and wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death.
“好消息是有一位先生咨詢你的作品，他想知道在你死后你的畫會不會升值。
When I told him it would, he bought all fifteen of your paintings.
我告訴他你的畫會升值，他就把你的15幅畫全都買走了。”
"That's wonderful!" the artist exclaimed," What's the bad news?"
“真是太好了”，藝術家是喜形于色，“那壞消息是什么?”
With concern, the gallery owner replied,"The guy was your doctor."
帶著關心的口吻，畫廊老板回答，“買畫的人是你的醫生”。
4、女兒的來信
Joan and her neighbor are talking about their daughters, Joan says, my daughter is at the university.
She’s very bright, you know. Every time we get a letter from her we have to go to the dictionary.
Her neighbor says you are lucky every time we hear from our daughter we have to go to the bank.
Joan和她的鄰居在一起聊天，聊到各自的女兒;Joan說我女兒在上大學。她很聰明，你知道的。每次我們接到她的來信，我們都要查字典。
她的鄰居說，你真幸運!每次我們接到我女兒的信，我們都要去銀行。
5、A New Mum took her baby daughter to the supermarket for the first time.
一個年輕的媽媽頭一回帶著她的寶貝女兒到超市買東西，
She dressed her in pink from head to toe.
她把小寶貝從頭到腳穿上粉紅色的衣服。
At the store, she placed her in the shopping cart and put her purchases around her.
在商場，她把小女孩放在購物車里，把買來的東西都推在孩子周圍。
At the checkout line a small boy and his mother were ahead of them.
在付款臺前排隊時，一個小男孩和他媽媽正好排在她們前面。
The child was crying and begging for some special treat.
那個小男孩在哭，看上去在向他媽要著什么東西，年輕的媽媽想，
He wants some candy or gumand his mother won't let him have any, she thought.
這個小孩一定是要糖果或是口香糖之類的玩意兒，而他媽媽又不給，所以才鬧得這么厲害。
Then she heard his mother's reply.
然而就在這個時候，她聽到男孩的媽媽一邊回答說，
"No!"she said, looking in her direction.
“不行，”一邊往她的方向看過來，
"You may not have a baby sister today. That lady got the last one"
“你今天不能買一個小妹妹了，那位女士把最后一個買走了!”
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6、Mike:Mum,I want to watch TV.
Mum:There is no electricity tonight.
Mike:Then let's watch TVwith a candie on.
邁克：媽媽，我想看電視。
媽媽：今晚停電了。
邁克：那我們就點著蠟燭看吧。
7、Little Robert asked his mother for two cents. "What did you do with the money I gave you yesterday?"
"I gave it to a poor old woman," he answered.
"You're a good boy," said the mother proudly. "Here are two cents more. But why are you so interested in the old woman?"
"She is the one who sells the candy."
好孩子
小羅伯特向媽媽要兩分錢。
“昨天給你的錢干什么了?”
“我給了一個可憐的老太婆，”他回答說。 “你真是個好孩子，”媽媽驕傲地說。“再給你兩分錢�？赡銥槭裁磳δ俏焕咸敲锤信d趣呢?”
“她是個賣糖果的。”
8、Teacher: Here are two bird,one is a swallow,the other is a sparrow.Now who can tell us which is which?
Student: I can't point out but i know the answer.
Teacher: Please tell us.
Student: The swallowis beside the sparrow,and the sparrow is beside the swallow.
兩只小鳥
老師：這里有兩只小鳥，一只是燕子，另一只是麻雀，誰能告訴我們哪只是燕子，哪只是麻雀嗎?
學生：我不會分辨但我知道答案。
老師：那請你告訴我們。
學生：燕子旁邊的是麻雀，麻雀旁邊的是燕子。
9、A dog can play the piano 會彈鋼琴的狗
A guy walks into a bar with a small dog. The bartender says, "Get out of here with that dog!"
The guy says, "But this isn't just any dog... this dog can play the piano!"
The bartender replies, "Well, if he can play that piano, you both can stay... and have a drink onthe house!"
So the guy sits the dog on the piano stool, and the dog starts playing.
Ragtime, Mozart... and the bartender and patrons are enjoying the music.
Suddenly a bigger dog runs in, grabs the small dog by the scruff of the neck, and drags him out.
The bartender asks the guy, "What was that all about?"
The guy replies, "Oh, that was his mother. She wanted him to be a doctor."
一個人帶著他的狗走進一家酒吧。
酒吧服務生對他說，“這里不能帶狗進來，請離開吧!”
那個人對服務生說，“這可不是一般的狗，它可是會彈鋼琴的!”
服務生回答說，“呃，如果它真的能彈鋼琴，你們可以免費在這喝上一杯!”
那個人把狗放到了彈鋼琴坐的凳子上面，狗就開始了演奏，先是拉格泰姆音樂、接著彈莫扎特還有其它的… …服務生和顧客們都非常欣賞它的彈奏。
突然，一只體型更大的狗跑了進來，一把抓住小狗的脖子就把它拽出去了。
酒吧服務生問那個人，“那是怎么回事?”
那人回答，“噢，那是它媽媽。她不想它兒子玩音樂，而是做一名醫生。”
10、Teacher: Would Shakespeare be a great man if he were still alive today?
Student: Of course. He must be a great man, for so far nobody has lived to over 400 years.
老師：如果莎士比亞還活著，他會是一名偉人嗎?
學生：當然。因為到目前為止，還沒有人活到400多歲。
11、Mr. Smith: Waiter, there's a dead fly in my soup.
Waiter: Yes, sir, I know---it's the heat that kills it.
史密斯先生：服務員，我的湯里有一只死蒼蠅.
服務員：是的，先生，我知道了，它是被燙死的.
12、Son: Dad, give me a dime.
Father: Son, don't you think you're getting too big to be forever begging for dimes?
Son: I guess you're right, Dad, Give me a dollar, will you?
兒子：爸爸，給我一角錢。
父親：兒子，你不認為你已經長大了，不該再老是一角一角地要錢了(該自立了)，不是嗎?
兒子：爸爸，我想你是對的，那給我一塊錢行嗎?
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